I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
