I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
