It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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