My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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