I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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