I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
