I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
