Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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