Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Randomize
