I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
