I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
