I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
