I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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