All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
