I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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