don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
lol hangovers are for mortals.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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