you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
