Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
