I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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