im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
