First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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