well I can't set my house on fire every night
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
