a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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