This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
