there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
