I need to stop coming to work sober
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
