the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
