Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
