I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
worst night to have a conscience
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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