yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
