I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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