Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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