Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
