I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
