Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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