Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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