i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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