My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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