So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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