Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I cut my penus on the lid.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
