after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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