doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
