i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Randomize
