Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
