I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
