A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
