do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
