just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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