I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
