True but thats because hes a fetus.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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